It also brought about the thought when my little sister started telling me about her research paper for Psychology. She is writing about Sexual Assault.
This week, at USU-Eastern, they were doing the "Clothesline Project." This is a project where survivors of different assaults decorate a shirt to describe their sufferings. It is also for those who died from their attacks... their loved ones create a shirt for them in their memory.
Last year, I was able to make one of my own because, unfortunately, I am a survivor.
This topic definitely hits close to home with me. I didn't think it would hit me too.
No. Before you jump to conclusion, I was never hit. He never hit me. Mine was more a mental and spiritual attack... Apparently, that is only the beginning. I was lucky to get out when I did because a lot of women don't.
Here is my story:
(Sorry... my thoughts are a little scattered about all of this... It is not in chronological order... or any order. Just as it comes back to me. It is hard to write about and I don't like reliving... but it needs to be shared...)
Remember, this story is not for the tender or soft hearted...
I started dating a guy who promised me the world. He promised the Temple, a family, a great life. And I never suspected anything would change. He kept pushing me to get married quicker and quicker. My heart was set on Spring, but he couldn't wait that long. He HAD to be married now. I gave in to that request thinking it was because he loved me... and nobody else could.
It started after we were married and I became ill. We found out I was pregnant. I had a rare form of morning sickness which left me bed ridden for months. I could not move out of pain and I could not eat for over 2 months. All this time, I was alone. My ex would leave for days on end with my "best friend" from high school. She was his boss and they were inseparable. He had convinced me she needed a place to live so I let her use my spare bedroom. They were never home to use it anyway.
I tried to get him to read the scriptures with me or go to church with me but I got, "Those only work if you are perfect. You are not so you might as well not even try."
On those days I could not "satisfy" him because I was sick and hurting and starving, he would force me to pleasure him in other ways or he would leave me. I couldn't stand the thought of raising my daughter alone and not having the support. I didn't think anybody else would ever love me because I was "damaged goods" or "sloppy seconds."
Because he lifted me up while we were dating, I blamed this all on me not being good enough. I would try to be happy for him when he got home. I would try to get up and clean. I would try so hard to be good enough.
And because I was happy, guess what! I was cheating on him apparently. I had no reason to be happy unless I was cheating on HIM! To "catch me in the act" he hid a video camera in my living room and watched me while he was with his girlfriend. Sick, hurting, lonely, I was being watched and recorded. I was the unworthy, untrustworthy one.
One night I was so sad that I locked myself into the bathroom. I wouldn't let him in so he started hitting his head against the door as hard as he could. he wouldn't stop. Finally after yelling at him to stop, I heard a crash. He had collapsed on the floor. Because I am who I am, at 6 months pregnant, I try to drag him to the bed. His girlfriend happened to walk through the door after I got him on the bed and took over. She took him out of the apartment and they went who knows where.
She told me she only chose a specific Dr. in Price because he would listen to her and do whatever she told him to do. He was her puppet because she was smarter than him. And she said the Dr who saved my life on countless occassions tried to kill her. YEAH RIGHT!! So he had a concussion and it was all my fault for crying in the bathroom because he was telling me how worthless I was... Yeah... (He did that a lot through the marriage. He would go hit things if I wasn't being good enough. He would hit his head against cement, he would puch trees, he even punched a dent into my washer! I was not only scared for myself, but for him..)
To top it all off, I was cut off. He would take my car to work with him. He would take my phone to work with him. I had no way of communicating unless I used an app I downloaded onto my iPad. I had a fake number so I could talk to my parents.
He didn't want me to be around my parents at all. If he was home, I wasn't allowed to talk to my family or answer the door to my parents. I was only allowed to talk to him or his girlfriends family. I had very limited contact with ANYONE in the outside world. It was so lonely. I had nobody to turn to unless they were dating my husband.
They would make the living room and kitchen a mess and expect me to clean it up for them. They would promise to clean up and fill the sink... and then leave. The entire kitchen was filled with moldy and rotten things. I could not even go in there without inducing a round of vommiting. Of course, I couldn't waddle over there anyway.
My parents would aske me if he was home so they could come over to help me clean and do some chores. My parents were very good to me in this time of need.
Our lease was coming up and I did not want to live in Price or with his girlfriend anymore. I told my ex that we were moving to East Carbon to my parent's rental house. I thought this would give him a break from his girlfriend. That didn't happen. He was home even less. I was the one who cooked dinner, cleaned the house, and rearranged the furniture. I wasn't supposed to do the latter one... but oh well. I wanted to make him happier so he would choose me over her.
The day I finally flipped was when he rushed out of the house after me refusing him. He started talking suicide and I told him I was done. I started driving to Price to go to my mom and I see him driving around with HER! He said he thought if he brought her down with him, I would be happier. He couldn't leave her behind and couldn't imagine I would expect him to.
I drove to my mom. He came in crying. My mom felt bad for him. After, he told my mom he was going to commit suicide. He told me that night that he tried but the trigger stuck. He said he gave it to his girlfriend for safe keeping. (remember this)
So, after that, things calm back down. We are talking about moving for Vet school in Colorado and I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
He suggested to me that we needed marriage counseling. I told him I would go if we could go through the church and nobody else. He yelled at me that they were not real therapists and would just mess everything up even more. He told me I HAD to go to a real therapist because I was so damaged and messed up that I couldn't be in a relationship until I was better. I kept saying "NO"
My water broke at 8:06, August 14, 2013. I called my mom. She sent over my sister and we went to the hospital. I told my ex my water broke and he started telling me it couldn't have possibly broke because it wasn't how the internet said it was. He told me he would not meet me there until I actually went into labor. He was at work and could not leave his girlfriend there alone. I was at the hospital for a couple hours before he would finally come. When E-Mae was born, I lost a quart of blood, had 3rd degree tears all the way up. I had to be sewn together. I could not stand for 2 days and I was on HEAVY pain killers, but ones that were safe for E-Mae.
A few hours after E-Mae was born, he left to go back to work. He told me he had to go make up hours for missing time to be with me. He couldn't get the day off because his coworkers were scum and wouldn't help him. He was gone all day. I was in the hospital for 3 days and most of the time, he wasn't there. The day I came home, he was at work so my parents came and picked me up. I came home on a Saturday. Sunday morning, he said he needed to go to work 5 hours early to take someone out fishing and he wouldn't be back for 2 days. He had to work the whole time. I called my mom and asked her to bring me food.
Mom said, "You have a husband at home, have him make you breakfast." I had to tell her, "No I don't." My mom made me a breakfast my ex would be highly allergic to and not able to eat and brought it over on her way to church. After church she brought me lunch. Her and Ma helped me a lot! I had my pain pills that I used because I couldn't walk without them. After 1 and 1/2 weeks, I stopped using them because I did not like the way they made E-Mae sleep all day.
Still, I did not have a husband at home. I was taking care of E-Mae with no help from him, pretty much already a single mom.
Because I was so torn during the birth, I was not able to do things. The doctor said I could take up to a year to heal. That was not okay with him... He would force me to "satisfy" him any way he wanted me to and if not, he would automatically have to go to work or have a "sleep over shift" and wouldn't come home for a few days.
One night, I came home with E-Mae and my mom. He said he had a surprise for me. He turned around and pulled out bottles and two cans of formula. He told me E-Mae was allergic to me and could not nurse anymore. He told me I could not do this for my child. I told him that if I didn't have that, I had no use at all anymore. That was my one time to be close to my daughter in a way nobody else could. I refused to give in. (Later, I found a recording he made of that night, trying to make it sound like he had to coax me into staying and try to make me calm down. He said things like, "Come back to bed so I don't have to worry about you!")
After this night, he told me that there was no other option anymore. If I did not go to therapy with him for couple counselling. I don't believe in divorce. I was going to be spending a long time with this guy so I agreed finally. He told me he had to put the appointment in my name because I had insurance and he didn't. While we were in the session, he would start talking for me or he would start saying things that weren't true. I didn't want to make him mad again so I just went with it. He made it sound like my family was abusive and that I had anger issues. THIS IS NOT TRUE!
Anyway, the therapist told him to leave the room. As he was leaving, a voice recorder fell out of his pocket. Not thinking, I just handed it back to him. I lied to the therapist. She asked if I was okay. I said yes...
We left- me, my ex, and E-Mae. I had to drop him off at work. He asked if E-Mae could come in for a few minutes to visit his clients and his "friend". I let her go in for an hour. He took her in one of those front pocket things. I found a voice recorder in the pocket of the driver's side door. I played it for the hour I was waiting. He set the recorder by my phone in the living room to capture what was going on in the house while he was at work for who knows how long? I had to listen to my whole Labor Day weekend.
Then the worst. He came out of the house, still wearing E-Mae. He told me that his friend said I was using the wrong powder, wrong cream, wrong diapers, wrong detergent, and I didn't know how to raise my daughter pretty much but good thing she was there to be there for us. I flipped! I told him, "Fine! If that is what you want, go be with her!" He walked inside with my daughter, my phone, and my car keys. I was not allowed inside... I went to take a walk.
Two of my female friends from church drove by and stopped to pick me up. I used one of their phones to try and call to check on E-Mae, but he would not answer. They talked me in to goig to an institute class and so I stayed for the class. After, I called him again and it went straight to voicemail. I started freaking out so I walked to his work. AS SOON as I got there, his girlfriend was outside on the phone. She said, "Oh shoot! I got to go!" she ran over to me and told me that his sisters from up north came and picked him up. When I asked which one, she told me she didn't know which one.
I started freaking out. He left my car and my car keys. I ran to the institute to try and use one of the girls' phone again and I just started freaking out! MY BABY WAS GONE!! I tried calling and it went to voicemail. I drove the 36 mile trip home to see if they went out there. They didn't. I tried getting into my house to use my phone to call my mom. I couldn't get in because he took my only house key. I was locked out. I ran to my parent's house to use their computer and try to find his sister's number. I called the one, she had no idea what I was talking about. I called the other and neither did she. I came back to price to see if his girlfriend was still at work and lying to me. She was gone and another girl was there.
I ran to the institute to try and use a phone one more time. My parents had been there and told them if they see me to stop me and have me call them. My ex was texting them and telling them that he was leaving me until I wasn't dangerous anymore and how he was going to go live with his sisters and have them help him raise my daughter. He said, "Don't worry. I watched videos. I know how to take care of a baby." THIS COMING FROM THE MAN WHO HAD NEVER CHANGED A DIAPER!!!
I was sobbing and crying!! I stayed on my paren'ts couch that night, my mom stayed downstairs with me. I couldn't stop crying at how angry I was and out of fear for my daughter.
The next day, we went to the victims advocate at the jail and filed a protective order and ran it immediately to a judge. We started going to every lawyer we could. We went to one we know personally and started talking to him. I had to share my story and spill my guts. We were about to retain him when he called and said, "I guess this kid came into my office to talk to my partner last week. I can't represent either of you now."
We went to the next lawyer. I again had to spill my guts and tell my story. He was excited to nail this kid and this was going to be a fun fight!! And then HE walked in with his girlfriend. All I asked was, "Where is my baby?" He started telling me to "Calm down." I was calm!! They ran outside and my dad followed after them. Mom yelled, "Don't let him do anything!" The lawyer ran after my dad and they wrote down the license plate number. One of them called the police, I am not sure which. I just sat on the couch there crying. I couldn't help it.
The cop came and I had to tell him the story of the day previous, September 11, 2014. I had to write a police report. 5 minutes later, we got the notice that the protection order went through and E-Mae was also protected under it and he had to give her back. The police officer went to find the two and when he found her, he called me. I met him at a gas station. His girlfriends mother had her... She came back to me crusty, with a rash, in dirty seconhand clothes and a blanket I had never seen. He kept her stuff. But I had my baby back!
I went to the hospital. I had the doctor in the emergency room check her out. She was so hungry that she ate for more than an hour and kept eating all night. I was just so relieved to have her back with me!! I filed for a divorce. I could not be with a guy who would take a 3 week old baby. He could do it again and I could not risk that.
Like I said, I do not believe in divorce. I am a strong opposer of it. When times get tough, you get tougher! But this was a situation where if I did not leave, my baby was in danger.
So, that is my story. Don't let this make you feel bad for me! I have a beautiful, smart, funny, amazing baby girl whom I adore! I got a year of being an at home mom and now I have the opportunity to further my education and earn money to buy her all she needs. I also have enough to pay all my bills and put aside a savings for my little girl. E-Mae, if you ever read this, just know that if I had to choose between this and never having you, I would choose this. You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I love you with all that I am and all that I have. You are the best daughter a mommy could ever ask for!! I just hope some day, I will be able to stay at home with you once more :D Mommy loves you!
~Megan
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