Please don't judge... this is me being 100% open and honest about myself and my life. I just need to get it out there.
As many of you know, I am a mommy. I have the most AMAZING baby girl anybody could want or ask for!
But as many of you DON'T know, I have a lot going on... internally and externally.
I am the kind of person who is afraid of being alone. A person who, emotionally, need someone to be there. I'm not talking about my parents. I am not talking about my baby. I mean, I WANT someone to want me and love me and make me feel special. And because of that, I usually rush my relationships. That is how it was with my marriage. I rushed into a relationship and a month later was engaged. two months after that, I was married. 9 months after that, I had my GORGEOUS baby squirrel!
During those 9 months, I endured Hell. I was continuously brought down and told how worthless I was. I was threatened with suicide. I had married a drunk. I was told how amazing my best friend was and forced to live almost like sister wives while my best friend was dating my husband.
I was so sick, I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't do what he wanted and so I was either threatened with him leaving me or forced to do "something" to please him. I was afraid... who would want me if I was so disgusting? Who would ever want, as I thought, his "sloppy seconds?" Who would want a girl with a child from another guy? So I stayed. I tried to work things out. When he took my daughter and hid her from me, I knew I couldn't put my little girl at risk anymore.
We left him. Kicked him out of the house. I filed for divorce.
Almost 2 years, $11,000 in attorney fees, and $6,000 in debt later I finally have some resolution. Even though I didn't see him for almost 2 whole years, he was still able to torment me.
When you don't have a divorce, your child is fair game. I would fear that when I left for work, he would come and demand E-Mae. And him being on the birth certificate, could legally take her and I could never see her again. I couldn't date anyone because I was legally married and it was against my church standards. After a while, most of my friends cut off all contact with me because they "couldn't talk to a still married woman."
I was mostly alone. I grew a friendship with a boy. But that ended in devastation. I even had a wedding planned... but that wasn't meant to happen.
I realized, I never truly healed. I just replaced guy for guy for guy. Over the last 2 months, I replaced all the guys for the one guy who would never leave me. I turned to Christ for my comfort. To feel loved. To feel special. I turned to him to help me sleep through the night. I turned to the scriptures. I started developing my skills. I started being the ME I thought E-Mae deserved.
I have had to start seeing me.I had to start dating myself. Learning who I am. Studying myself. I have found things out that have been there, hiding for YEARS... and I am just finding it because I have had to be alone, without distractions from the truth.
I have anxiety. I can't go into somewhere without wondering if people are judging me. If when they walk by laughing, they just made a joke about me. I can't help it.
When I talk to people, I start crying. Even my mom... I just start crying. I don't like talking to people. Last semester, I went to go ask a professor a question and I started getting tense and almost broke out into tears. And there was no reason to!! This professor was super nice! But I was afraid to talk to him.
For the longest time, I wouldn't go to public bathrooms because I didn't want people seeing me going to the bathroom. I don't know why, but I thought they would judge me for going into a bathroom. I wouldn't even let people see me walk into the one in high school. I was embarrassed. I don't know why... everybody goes to the bathroom...
If I was missing something at a restaurant or if there was a problem with something, I wouldn't bring it up. I would just sit and silently deal with it. I think I annoyed a lot of people because of that... but the fear of going and talking to people or asking them for something was almost unbearable... I felt like running away and hiding so I could cry.
I stayed in my room a lot. I read a lot of books where I could imagine living another life. Where I could put myself as the main character, fall in love and not have to live in my own world.
When I would travel, it was different. I wasn't in my world where everybody knew me and judged me (or so I thought). I was a new person and could be whomever I chose to be. I could be those heroines from my books. I could be brave, and strong, and someone who wasn't me.
I had a chance to be a new person. But when I came home, the fears, doubts, and everything else came flooding back.
I would distract myself from myself. I never faced it. I tried to mask it. I learned how to hide my feelings. I learned how to fake a smile in any situation. I still do.
It is hard for me to show my emotions. I've never sought help because I was scared to... what if they judge me? What if they thought I was crazy? What if they told me how wrong I was and how everything I see or say is skewed. What if I lost everything because I started talking about how I feel? About how I see the world?
I know the truth, but it is still hard for me to actually open up. I get nervous. I developed a studder. I don't look people in the eye. I try to avoid stores. I try to avoid being alone in public. I try to avoid talking to people. I won't go to activities alone. I don't like going to classes. Even if I know the answer in a class, I try not to talk outloud because what if I'm wrong? Will everyone laugh at me? Will the teacher tell me in front of the class? Will I be labeled? And so I keep my head down and just listen.
No. These are not past tense. These are all very current and very real to me.
When it comes to my child, I will do anything. In fact, I PREFER to do things by myself when it comes to her. I want her to know how much I love her and how much I try for her. She is the ONLY reason I continue going to school. She is the ONLY reason I have a job. She is the ONLY reason I am able to go to the doctor and tell them what is wrong with me. She is the ONLY reason I sought help of any sort. She is the ONLY reason I know I can stand on my own two feet. I don't have to lean on anyone as long as I have her as a motivation.
I am NOT going to say she is my ONLY reason to live, though. There are so many reasons to live!! I am not suffering depression. I am suffering from fear. Anxiety. I over think things. I always think the worst possible situation.
If you see me on the street, you will see me smiling. You will probably see me either looking at my phone or staring at the ground. If I look at you, I will smile. Why? Because even ONE smile can change someone else's day. I don't want ANYBODY to feel the way I do. I think Robin Williams had it right when he said:
As many of you know, I am a mommy. I have the most AMAZING baby girl anybody could want or ask for!
But as many of you DON'T know, I have a lot going on... internally and externally.
I am the kind of person who is afraid of being alone. A person who, emotionally, need someone to be there. I'm not talking about my parents. I am not talking about my baby. I mean, I WANT someone to want me and love me and make me feel special. And because of that, I usually rush my relationships. That is how it was with my marriage. I rushed into a relationship and a month later was engaged. two months after that, I was married. 9 months after that, I had my GORGEOUS baby squirrel!
During those 9 months, I endured Hell. I was continuously brought down and told how worthless I was. I was threatened with suicide. I had married a drunk. I was told how amazing my best friend was and forced to live almost like sister wives while my best friend was dating my husband.
I was so sick, I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't do what he wanted and so I was either threatened with him leaving me or forced to do "something" to please him. I was afraid... who would want me if I was so disgusting? Who would ever want, as I thought, his "sloppy seconds?" Who would want a girl with a child from another guy? So I stayed. I tried to work things out. When he took my daughter and hid her from me, I knew I couldn't put my little girl at risk anymore.
We left him. Kicked him out of the house. I filed for divorce.
Almost 2 years, $11,000 in attorney fees, and $6,000 in debt later I finally have some resolution. Even though I didn't see him for almost 2 whole years, he was still able to torment me.
When you don't have a divorce, your child is fair game. I would fear that when I left for work, he would come and demand E-Mae. And him being on the birth certificate, could legally take her and I could never see her again. I couldn't date anyone because I was legally married and it was against my church standards. After a while, most of my friends cut off all contact with me because they "couldn't talk to a still married woman."
I was mostly alone. I grew a friendship with a boy. But that ended in devastation. I even had a wedding planned... but that wasn't meant to happen.
I realized, I never truly healed. I just replaced guy for guy for guy. Over the last 2 months, I replaced all the guys for the one guy who would never leave me. I turned to Christ for my comfort. To feel loved. To feel special. I turned to him to help me sleep through the night. I turned to the scriptures. I started developing my skills. I started being the ME I thought E-Mae deserved.
I have had to start seeing me.I had to start dating myself. Learning who I am. Studying myself. I have found things out that have been there, hiding for YEARS... and I am just finding it because I have had to be alone, without distractions from the truth.
I have anxiety. I can't go into somewhere without wondering if people are judging me. If when they walk by laughing, they just made a joke about me. I can't help it.
When I talk to people, I start crying. Even my mom... I just start crying. I don't like talking to people. Last semester, I went to go ask a professor a question and I started getting tense and almost broke out into tears. And there was no reason to!! This professor was super nice! But I was afraid to talk to him.
For the longest time, I wouldn't go to public bathrooms because I didn't want people seeing me going to the bathroom. I don't know why, but I thought they would judge me for going into a bathroom. I wouldn't even let people see me walk into the one in high school. I was embarrassed. I don't know why... everybody goes to the bathroom...
If I was missing something at a restaurant or if there was a problem with something, I wouldn't bring it up. I would just sit and silently deal with it. I think I annoyed a lot of people because of that... but the fear of going and talking to people or asking them for something was almost unbearable... I felt like running away and hiding so I could cry.
I stayed in my room a lot. I read a lot of books where I could imagine living another life. Where I could put myself as the main character, fall in love and not have to live in my own world.
When I would travel, it was different. I wasn't in my world where everybody knew me and judged me (or so I thought). I was a new person and could be whomever I chose to be. I could be those heroines from my books. I could be brave, and strong, and someone who wasn't me.
I had a chance to be a new person. But when I came home, the fears, doubts, and everything else came flooding back.
I would distract myself from myself. I never faced it. I tried to mask it. I learned how to hide my feelings. I learned how to fake a smile in any situation. I still do.
It is hard for me to show my emotions. I've never sought help because I was scared to... what if they judge me? What if they thought I was crazy? What if they told me how wrong I was and how everything I see or say is skewed. What if I lost everything because I started talking about how I feel? About how I see the world?
I know the truth, but it is still hard for me to actually open up. I get nervous. I developed a studder. I don't look people in the eye. I try to avoid stores. I try to avoid being alone in public. I try to avoid talking to people. I won't go to activities alone. I don't like going to classes. Even if I know the answer in a class, I try not to talk outloud because what if I'm wrong? Will everyone laugh at me? Will the teacher tell me in front of the class? Will I be labeled? And so I keep my head down and just listen.
No. These are not past tense. These are all very current and very real to me.
When it comes to my child, I will do anything. In fact, I PREFER to do things by myself when it comes to her. I want her to know how much I love her and how much I try for her. She is the ONLY reason I continue going to school. She is the ONLY reason I have a job. She is the ONLY reason I am able to go to the doctor and tell them what is wrong with me. She is the ONLY reason I sought help of any sort. She is the ONLY reason I know I can stand on my own two feet. I don't have to lean on anyone as long as I have her as a motivation.
I am NOT going to say she is my ONLY reason to live, though. There are so many reasons to live!! I am not suffering depression. I am suffering from fear. Anxiety. I over think things. I always think the worst possible situation.
If you see me on the street, you will see me smiling. You will probably see me either looking at my phone or staring at the ground. If I look at you, I will smile. Why? Because even ONE smile can change someone else's day. I don't want ANYBODY to feel the way I do. I think Robin Williams had it right when he said:
"Today I realized the people who smile and laugh the most
are the ones that are suffering the most.
Because laughter isn't only the best medicine,
it is also the best disguise."
No. I don't need your help. I don't want your pity. I have gone this long without it. What I do need is for people to realize how they can affect others. The most amazing person you know, may be dealing with something internally. Don't judge a book by it's cover... Some of the most beautiful covers can have nothing but filth inside... and some of those most plain covers can divulge the most remarkable stories ever told. Listen to the story. Then tell me what you think.
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